Sunday, May 13, 2007
Well it is Mother's Day and it has been a great one. My two precious angels are so great and they make everyday wonderful. I wish that people would be more considerate about things they say though. If everyone would just think before they made comments this world might actually be better than it is now. My kids are growing so fast and it is hard to believe that they will not be my "babies" for much longer. With both of their daddies out of the picture some days are just worst than others and people just don't seem to get it. I deal with being alone and dealing with one of my children having Fragile X. At times I wonder if there will ever be another man who will want to take on all the baggage that I have in my life. Trust is not a word I know the meaning of anymore when it comes to a man and love is just another four letter word. I know that whatever happens I will never regret my children and will always love them no matter what. Even if there is never another man in my life I pray that I will be able to know the love of my children and never take them for granted or resent their presence in my life for they have made me what I am today and for that God gets all the glory. This blog has kinda been all over the place but that seems to be the way my mind is working tonight. I am happy to some extinct but lonely in other ways. I want so much to be a good mother and would love the opportunity to experience a real marriage with a man that loves me and my kids for what we are good and bad, but chances are that man may not exist and the possibility of that drives me insane. I am a great person and I did everything I could to hold my marriages together so why do I feel like I have messed up my whole life. Well no matter what the outcome I have God, My kids, and my family and as long as I remember that I will be okay. When the day does come that my kids leave home or whatever the outcome with Brantley I hope they do not have to endure the pain and hurt that my relationships have led me to. My Mother's Day wish for my two is that they will follow God's path in everything they do and if that is the case then they will accomplish much and never feel lacking in love or life. I love you Tapanga and Brantley and pray that your faith will stay strong. MOM
Friday, May 11, 2007
I never knew exactly how much pain and hurt could come from 8 letters. I will never forget how I felt the day my son was tested for Fragile X Syndrome. It was a day that should have been just like any other but that has changed my life forever. Never again will life be so called "normal" for my family. Everything I do has to be well planned and thought of because of my son. He is definetely my little piece of Heaven here on earth and even though there are times I feel like screaming "Why Me?" I know it is by the grace of God that I go through each and every day. Brantley was my wake up call that I had to get my life straight. While I was not a bad person I was certainly not living the way God wanted me to live and through all of the problems with Brantley I have discovered a relationship with God, my children, and my family that I feel will last through all eternity. Fragile X makes for a fragile family at times. My daughter wants to know why Brantley gets to do things she doesn't and why she can't play in McDonalds when we go. To her she doesn't understand because she's only six and life is to uncomplicated for her. She doesn't understand why Momma just can't hold Brantley or make him mind and to be honest sometimes I wonder if it is just me. Brantley has his moments of screaming and crying, kicking, hitting and at times they last for hours and all I can do is cry because I have no idea what is going on. How do you help your child when he can't tell you what is wrong. I do not harbor hard feelings for the way he is because he is exactly the way God made him. Even though there are times when I wonder I do know that God put him here for a reason and he will use him for His use. So I just keep praying and working and trust that in God's time I will understand the reasons for all of this and when I feel like giving up I look up and realize that God would not have give him to me if he was not going to give me the strength to get through it. "If God brings you to it; He will bring you through it." To all the other mothers out there with children with Fragile X just keep praying and keep working and in the end God will reveal his plan.